When I think about the magnitude of what I went through, it boggles my mind. I dont know how I did it. Lately I have been thinking a lot about what actually happened, and I don't understand how calm and peaceful it was. I don't understand how I unconsciously made a terrible week turn into something so beautiful.
I bravely held my daughter close as she slowly died in my arms.
I said it. I never say it. It's too hard to say. But why? Every time I have thought about it, I always have the same peaceful feeling. As of lately, I am however feeling heavy with emotion, and really feeling the magnitude of that experience. For most of it, I was in awe and shock, and was more present than ever, but thinking about it now, I felt like I was in a dream land, and that I would stay there forever with my new baby. Can't it just stay like that in my mind forever? Why I am feeling so heavy lately? I guess I just can't believe that the person I am now and the person I was then are the same. Everything is so different now, so much has changed, and as you know so much more beautiful. What I don't understand is why it took losing her to feel this way. Why can't we all go through an awakening of sorts, but without the pain? Why aren't we taught from a young age to always experience and appreciate the beauty in our lives, even and especially into adulthood when things get tough.
I now feel as if it's my mission to tell this beauty's story. Although I know all will experience pain, all will not see what I see. So I will keep sharing glimpses of what someday I hope all will be open to. Simply waking up and opening our eyes to the simple things, the beauty everywhere, embracing the love around us, and the feeling of never being alone.
I want each person reading this to pay attention to just one thing a day that you think is beautiful. It doesn't have to be anything big, it can be as simple as watching the morning squirrels run around, or the snow that is so peacefully falling on your morning drive. Find that one thing, write it down, and share it with someone. You will see that beauty is everywhere.
Peace and love.