From January, shortly after returning home from holidays.
This mornings cuddles were the best. Today is just what we needed, slow, pajamas, no plans, and no to do list. I started a 7 day meditation practice three days ago, a guided 10 minute session and it's been so good, if only it could become a daily habit. It sets my day up for calm and peace, and gentle reminders to just breathe and slow down. This mornings session was late and with Ethan, when he saw me on the bed he wanted up. And at first he tried interrupting me several times, but I remained as focused as I could, and eventually he saw that I was relaxing, so he laid down in my lap playing with his hair. We took this picture and a host of others after, it was such a special moment. I hope through modeling peace he will begin to understand its meaning as I have.
My baby, my love, Mr. Ethan. Currently making a mess, playing and eating his really really late lunch. Winter is a time for slowing down, and you have taught me this. Now that vacation is over, the next few months are down time, before the spring bursts through with renewed energy.
Peace & love
People often get misunderstood. It's everywhere, in every friendship, relationship and even interactions with strangers. It's inevitable. Communication is one of the biggest aspects of any interaction. And every single person is different, different thoughts, different experiences, and different values; they make a person who they are. It's so important to be respectful and aware of our differences when we communicate, if not we can begin to resent the other person.
When I share that everything is more difficult after loss, I mean everything. And marriage is one of those things. When someone you love and share so much with does not understand or experience things the same way you do, it questions everything you think you know, and it further throws your life upside down. It doesn't matter how hard you try to explain it, they may never understand it like you do. And who says that they even have to, no two people are created alike, so why should they have the same experiences.
Everything that brought me and Beilal to this point in our lives has been experienced differently, but it wasn't until losing Isabel, that a spotlight was placed on those differences. I often try to remember how easy life, relationships, and marriage were before losing Isabel, and I always question it. How did I do it then? When I think about it, it seemed all too easy. All the differences I notice now were always there, but it was the trauma that brought everything to the surface. And now we're not only faced with grieving the loss of our daughter, but questioning our role as individuals, parents, and as a couple. It took us both a long time, and many sleepless nights, but we finally came to the realization that the only thing we can do, is to accept that we are different. And remember that essentially, it was our differences that brought us together when we met over 8 years ago.
I may always have a hard time understanding our differences, but what I've learnt is they aren't a bad thing, and we can't judge each other because of them. Undeniably though, we are both walking around with broken hearts, and it's only fair that we each get to choose how we want to experience it. And in order to move forward we both need to respect and accept that which we cannot change.
Marriage isn't perfect, but it can be pretty damn good if you let it. It's hard work, but we are more than ever committed, because it's important that we show each other how much we love and care. And we will continue to respect our differences.
Happy Valentine's Day xoxo
Peace & love.